Panic!

I've been suffering from PANIC ATTACKS! since last Saturday. Lots of people bandy about the term, "Panic Attack". "Oh man, I was freakin' out...panic attack!" No, no.
NOPE. No, silly rabbit. A real panic attack can land you in the E.R.

Its the strangest thing. Suicidal, out-of-body, brain is spinning, heart is pumping. limbs are shaking. And the FEAR! I was filled with HORRIBLE debilitating FEAR. Sense of dread from no where. Like, I was gonna DIE. No joke! So, I woke up with it on Saturday night. Sunday afternoon. Monday Morning. Monday Night...really severe...

Finally saw a psychiatrist on Tuesday who put me on some heavy doses of tranquilizers. I can't function on the full dose, so Ive been taking less. Still can't really function too well, but no panic. I've been out of work all week. Going back for an evaluation tomorrow. I think the onset was a reset of a VERY high manic phase gone overboard. Plus, I've had some disagreements on my treatment with Bernie. I was doing just fine with my own organic method, until he had to stick his nose in and remove my natural remedies. He doesn't agree with my brand of self-care. HE also doesn't have to live inside my body wrecked with pain and my mind fraught with genetic defects. He should have left well enough alone. I still take deep offense at his lack of boundaries. Who is he to tell me what is right for my own care? I should lay here in a drug induced stupor because HE prefers that? No fucking way.

If he kept his paws off my belongings, we/I wouldn't be having these problems. Part of me really doesn't like him or his methods much anymore.

hello it's me - or at least this part.

I've decided to start writing on this blog again. Not sure how comfortable I am with all of it, but I'll try.

Lots of unsavory, unwelcome twists of fate and circumstance seem to come about here on the interwebs. A writer needs to be careful what they say, unless of course they have incredibly thick skins or just don't give a rats. Its interesting. I savor reading the slings and arrows of complete strangers who are interesting, or have an interesting writing style.

Everything needs to be so sanitary in the current online climate. I mean, I could go on and on about my personal life/problems/issues and maybe I should, but the Irisher in me won't let me anymore. I sweep it under the rug. Who's business is it anyway?

Conversely, the web has become a small community for me. My Fotolog friends, my Flickr friends, my Facebook friends. I work for a website. I think its shocking or maybe its my age, but I'm not comfortable with my workplace HR department checking out potential employees online personas -- to make sure they are 'stars'. Ew.

Maybe I don't 'get it' anymore? My life has so many facets that integrating an online persona into my real-life LIFE for the sake of judgment of fitness for new employment just seems wrong. You could never know all about Angela from my online persona! Bring me in and talk to me, let me talk to my potential manager and colleagues! Sneaking around online -- ugh. Do resumes and phone calls not work anymore? Letters of reference? Do you really want to hire someone who is sneaking around behind their current employers backs to find another job anyway? What goes around comes around!

Am I naive, out-of-touch or clinging to tired methods? What do you think of this new-age internet spy practice?

Duped

Facebook isn't a good place for me when I'm feeling verbose. Like right now. I hate people. I'm shifting and really feeling aggressive. I feel duped. Well, I was sort of duped -- but not really.

I was in Trenton this afternoon and an elderly man carrying a hospital 'belongings' bag and donning a silly band-aid on his forehead approached me. He began babbling some story about being a child psychologist. He was babbling on with his story. I looked at him and said, "what do you need?" He looked incredulously back at me and said, "You haven't heard a thing I've been saying to you?" "No, what do you need? Money?"
"Yes. I need $13 to get a train home to Philadelphia." "Okay" I said. "I don't have $13 but I'll give you $2 that's all I have on me now." So, I gave it to him. He walked away.

I know he was lying, but I really didn't care. I know he made a b-line to the liquor store, but that's ok too. It was just one of those kinds of days.

I made a mistake at work. I was duped by a customer and made a mistake. An honest mistake, but it made me look fairly incompetent. I rarely do careless things at work and tomorrow is my review. ugh. Dumb. Well, I truly wasn't aware of the back-story on this particular person, or his motives. So, all I can do is take it on the chin.

Tomorrow its back to the New York office; third trip up this week! Fun.

Who IS Better Than Ezra?

This afternoon after a relaxing mani-pedi, massage, yogurt with fresh mango & strawberries and water with a squeeze of fresh lemon,feeling wonderfully ethereal I started getting ideas.

Music, old photographs. posterity. We have boxes and shelves full of CDs. Cases full of vinyls. Tubs of photographs tucked away here and there. Not all in the same room. I've been hunting for my Junior Prom table shot. Its one of those photographs you run across every few years and laugh at, sigh, reminisce. I look at myself in that silly peasant dress, flowers in my hair and for some odd reason, elbow length white gloves and think about that kid. Why'd she have to come down off Sugar Mountain?

I found the nearly perfect CD that I almost forgot about. Now, this band has since put out 8 collections since, in fact I believe they've a new offering out next month. But this one...this first group by Better Than Ezra, Deluxe, released in 1995, when my life completely changed became my life's theme for a good while. Give it a listen, don't forget the Kleenex.
__________________________________________________________________________

Well, there's a feeling in the air
Just like a Friday afternoon.
Yeah, you can go there if you want
Though it fades too soon.

So go on, let it be.
If there's a feeling coming over me,
Seems like it's always understood this time of year.

Well, I know there's a reason to change.
Well, I know there's a time for us.
You think about the good times
And you live with all the bad.
You can feel it in the air,
Feeling right this time of year.

So go on with yourself
If there's a feeling that there's something else.
Seems like it's always understood
This time of year.

Sign Number Three

Facebook cannot contain me. I'm writing too much on Facebook. Not good. Not everyone wants a detailed commentary on what they are doing at the moment. Not that anyone has complained, mind you, but, ya know. I feel myself becoming a nuisance.

I go through phases. One word zingers and verbose diatribes. It most likely has to do with the chemicals in my brain and hormones in my blood, but as a miracle of modern psychiatry, you'd think I'd be over it by now.

The good news is, at least now I can stop myself before I go overboard. Plus, I don't want all of the passion kicked out of my body. There has to be a little quirky ember left burning down deep, with bits of real panther!

What I should do is use this energy for a good purpose. Not much else I can do from here, I am working, right? I consider this blog a sounding board for my raving thoughts. They need to come out in a safe place.

Ok. So, I don't get Twitter. Why? what is the point of 140 word updates like every few minutes? Who cares? Why is Twitter so popular? Its like a giant public text message. I have a Twitter account, of course. I can't exist in the industry without a Twitter and a Facebook and a Flickr and even a blog for heaven's sake.
I mean, ok. If I were out on an archeological dig in the middle of the Sahara I'd like having a place to send my observations, but who cares if Mr. Schmuck just had a burrito at Taco Bell? Maybe someone does, but usually people who have people who care about whether or not you ate a taco for lunch don't Twitter about it. Its like,
HELLO! Tommy, can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?

Facebook is a bit better in that you can sort of create a mood or theme. You can post links and videos, photos, make comments about this or that. Interact. Its somewhat community building. Plus, the big phenom is getting in touch with people you either totally forgot existed or people you haven't seen nor heard from in 30 years. Its cool to find out how lives turned out, what people are up to.

I work mostly from home, on the computer. Facebook is a form of communication, almost like being in an office, as strange as that may sound. Interaction.
I've been heading into the office once or twice a week lately. I feel more connected and productive when I'm there. The face-to-face is irreplaceable.

Enough for now. Talk later.
xo

reincarnation

My sixth new blog? Why not, I say! After a long hiatus, the signs of blog withdrawal were rearing their ugly heads.

Sign One:
Off the work blog. My writing is too fuddy-duddy. Even writing the words fuddy-duddy makes me a fuddy-duddy, no? I'm not cheeky in a good way. No longer considered a clever word-smith. Let's just say it, I'm OLD. Surrounded by recent grads eager to make their marks in NYC -- why should they settle for the boring middle-aged woman from the 'burbs? Guess when this happened? After I stopped blogging. I stopped creating. Stopped feeling and putting down observations. I lost my edge, I've become comfortably numb (thank you Rodger Waters).

Sign Two:
Rants on political blogs. Yep. Got into a good one last week. Pointing out anti-semitism in a campaign poster for the Green Party candidate for Mayor of NYC.
But, it got a dialoge going and the offensive image was removed. I made a friend or two who thanked me personally for pointing out what seemed to me a glaringly obvious slam on Mike Bloomberg. Just not cool.

It's time. I can feel it coming. The block is lifting.

I've started back at work full-time, and I'm managing a project that actually is making a difference. Its time consuming and working with kids who come to the big city full of dreams of fame are usually not at their most diligent while thinking of their next audition or performance or date...whatever it is. I know how they feel. I've been there. At the end of the day, the project is successful and they are doing what they need to do.

However, the part of me that needs to be focused on finding people to interview, coming up with interesting questions to ask someone you basically know nothing about and then try to make their responses compelling and sometimes even just coherent is amazingly draining. Four years of trying to make the most common people stand out in a crowd. Don't get me wrong. Once in a while, I hit the jackpot! It's a crap shoot everytime. You never know what you're going get to work with. I suppose this is the nature of the beast.

The wind-up is: practice, practice, practice. Read, read, read, Hone, hone, hone.
search, seek, research, write. edit, rewrite.

Then after all of that, I need to code it and post it. I wear a lot of hats, I feel.
I'd love to take a few coding classes, programming, something. Everything I know I've learned out of necessity. Its that 'Just Do It' mantra we have at Meetup. And, I love that. If you have an idea, its up to you to make it happen. The problem for me -- I'm an idea person. Not great with the follow-though. I'm learning though. I like the results, so I'm getting involved in the process. Hence, the full-time work.

So, I will rant here. rave here. cry here. laugh here. discover, inform, project, object, relay, grumble, sigh and dream here.

when it comes to staying on task.